SELF REFLECTION SERIOUSLY NEEDED

Can you see what's the Difference?
Jo brought out the bimbotic spirit easily in me..haizz...
it looks so much better in person.. camera lousy can't capture de details.

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How often do you reminisce the Past? i came across a "diary" i've written back in year 2001 onwards.
then it struck me, Year 2001 was 5 YEARS AGO!!

talking about how i attended my First Marketing Lecture (we're back in poly then)..and how i commented FAA was so hard cos i've no accounting background.

Then about what happened in sch, it always evolve around the few of us, Jy, Sy, Ivan, Yz..then i discovered i wrote a sentence in most of the entries...

"Jy was late..so i went ahead..bla bla bla"

BUAHAHAAHAH..............geez i gotta take a shot of some entries and post it here..

5 Years back, i'm probably one of the Most turn off looking girl you'd ever come across, Picture this ok..

A Fat Girl, with Frizzy Q MOR, pathetic small eyes, Serious Acne Problem and 2 moles across the face.
Most people didn't know that i used to have 2 moles across the face..i wonder if de Zhus remembered it.

i swear to the men who've dated me or attempted to do so in recent time that they will never ever have second thoughts of asking me out if i looked like how i look 6years ago.

i promise i'll dig some photos n post it here...the moles can't be seen in most photos though..i need to really DIG and scan it in..

When i tell people how ugly and turn off i used to look, few actually believed me, so i reckon i gotta dig evidence...

Ironically, when i was looking my ugliest, i'd someone who loved me deeply and truly for who i am..i never need to doubt his love for me..
when i was looking my ugliest, i'm in fact so much more confident of myself than i ever was.
Now i wonder if there's a link between the 2...you know, your partner boosting your confidence level for you.

However as i became slightly better looking than before, as in at least more pleasant looking, my confidence level took a huge dip.

True that i realised a woman can always make use of what she have to get things done.
Men treat you better when you become more pleasing to the eye...
At certain period of time, i enjoy being pursued by a few men at the same time..
I get good discounts from guys if i bargain flirtatiously..i got free coffee from Coffee bean...etc etc
I get treats to dinner, treats to movies, men buying drinks when i club, offering to send me back..etc

so now tell me, are men not Shallow?

If you used to be as ugly as i looked, you'll realise the huge difference. not that i'm good looking now, at least, i know i'm not as turn off looking as before.

ok talking abt confidence level........when i was ugly duckling, i never need to doubt his love for me for the past 5yrs +++
i was so spoilt and overly pampered, i get what i want and i'm always the First priority, all his time was dedicated to me

I dun ever need to step out of my house to get food, and even my sanitary pads. i'm a very poor student back then, i need to work every holidays to buy my textbooks, pay for my bills etc.
at times, he paid my HP bills for me, top up my Ezlink card for me, saved hard to bring me on trips.
and bear in mind, thru out this 5yrs, he wasn't even working full time. among the time frame, he was serving NS for 2yrs.

So there i was ill-mannered, severly spoilt and pampered, highly demanding..

So yea, i learned to groom myself, became slightly more pleasing to the eye than before, but what's gone is all my confidence.
Regardless of the dates, or other rship i've entered...80% of the time i wonder if the Guy's really into me..or if he really loves me.

Could it be my past experience that moulds my current and subsequent expectations? or was it really Bad karma i experienced after him? alot of times i feel like i'm just in his shoes as before, now i finally understand why he felt the way he did.

Somehow i expected to be treated the same just like when i was ugly duckling..and when i don't get it, i begin to doubt the guy's love for me..and when i asked for it, i became unreasonable and demanding..but if i don't ask for it, start to doubt again.

cos of this, i've destroyed some rships...

Sometimes i'd wonder was it really i don't trust the guy, or was it due to the lack of confidence i have in myself?

i seriously need some self-reflection upon myself....